Boston Challenges The Phillies To A 'Pick-up' Game

BOSTON (AP) - Unofficial clubhouse spokesman of the Boston Red Sox - Jason Varitek, reportedly contacted at least ten separate members of the Word Series Champion Philadelphia Phillies last night. Varitek left multiple voice mails and text messages challenging them to a pick-up game. Any time, any place.

"It wasn't so much of a challenge," Varitek said "as much as, just kind of a fun game - you know - just to see who wins." The team captain already had his catchers chest-protector and signature eye-black on, and was really hoping "to get in some [ball] before spring training."

Teammate Dustin Pedroia shared his captain's sentiments. "OK, I know we lost to the Rays in the ALCS, but, I just kind of want to know if we could have won."

The second baseman made it clear that he was happy for both Tampa Bay and Philadelphia for making it to the World Series, but thought "[It] would be cool to at least see if we could have won, you know, if we beat the Rays." To which Pedroia pounded his fist into his glove and shouted "Common Phils! Best of seven!"

While no other teammates have stepped up verbally and joined in the challenge, team rookie and shortstop Jed Lowrie reported that he could play if they "needed someone at short," and if he could "[Get] a ride with Dustin."

Red Sox manager Terry Francona, the skipper than lead the team to two championships in the past four years, brushed off the comments made by Varitek with a frustrated laugh. "Tek does this every year" Francona said. "You should have seen him when Chicago knocked us out in 2005. Ozzie Guillen had to change his phone number."

Some say that Veritek, and now Pedroia, just have a problem with losing, but they see it another way.

"No, you don't understand, we just want to see if we could have won." Pedroia remarked "We know we lost, we get it, whatever, season's over. But common, I just know we can beat the Phillies. Just one game. Common man!"

Say Hi To Your Motha

2.0

There's a very bizarre twist coming to light that intertwines two seemingly opposite social forces: the internet and reality.

That sentence took me five minutes to write - Jesus. If you understood it, hats off to you, because I'm not sure I do.

What I am trying to say, is that isolation is the new congregation. Going into your room is like going out.

Because of Web 2.0 and all that the buzz word might entail, internet social networking provides seemingly more contact than real life ever could. More and more people are spending time talking these days, chatting on IM, seeing photo albums on facebook - allowing one person to contact friends from all parts of the globe - simultaneously.

Suddenly leaving home these days isn't really leaving home as long as you have a computer. You have your virtual home right on your lap. People, finances, information, entertainment all one mouse-click away.

I find myself spending more and more time on the computer - and for the strangest reason ever: I want to stay connected with other people. If I'm lonely I can see who is on gChat, or read a friend's blog. Maybe peruse facebook and see what people are up to, who is in what relationship and what events people are attending. You can even play fantasy sports. It makes me feel - in a limited way - involved.

The issue that I am now starting to understand, is that Web 2.0 is creating Society 2.0.

Society 2.0 is a society where face-to-face encounters are more rare, where personal connection comes second to texting, IM-ing and emails. Where - like it or not - you're online avatar is the new face of your real self. And I don't mean a literal avatar from Second Life or Sims, I mean the compilation of traits built through facebook, blogs, myspace, texting, iLike, your iTunes library, and any other information you share online.

The great thing about this system is that it provides for greater connection and communication throughout the globe - throughout friends, families, businesses and everyone else who can turn on a computer.

What scares me, though, is what Society 2.0 leaves out. How much can really be communicated through the complex relays of ones and zeros? How much is lost in translation? I honestly don't know. What I do know is that there is an inherent gush of resignation when I sit down at my computer sometimes - only to be sated with this dreaded Web 2.0. At times it feels like I am just sucking on a fake Nicorette inhaler that doesn't quite do it.

Position Opening: Assistant to Mailroom Bitch

We are looking for a bright, do-it-yourself, go-getter to act as a personal assistant to our mailroom bitch. We are a A-list talent and literary agency located smugly in Beverly Hills, serving many high-profile film and TV clients.

Our Mailroom Bitch Assistant must have immaculate references, attended an Ivy League school, have intimate knowledge of postal codes, superior phone skills, eleven fingers, and 10-12 years of industry experience (writing or directing in a major motion picture is a plus!).

You must also have tough skin, two reliable cars (in case one breaks down), a helicopter piloting license, and the ability to alphabetize letters and correspondance.

Please do not waste our (or your) time by sending a resume if you do not meet ALL of our requirements! Do NOT call us. Do NOT email us. We have NO fax machine. Your resume should show up mysteriously without us ever seeing you. Good luck.

Sal. $21-22k

O for Vendetta

I had the chance last week to sit down with the one and only Barack Obama. I am a person who has to see to believe - to really delve into conversation before I can start to know someone - and my press credentials were the golden ticket.

After the string of debates and increasingly pointed attack ads, I wanted to ask some tough questions. I wanted to get to the bottom of what drove this man. Who is the real Barack Obama?
He obliged to meet me for a one-on-one, but only if I brought a signed copy of my book. I told him that I've never been published. He nodded solemly.

"Remember remember the 4th of November" Obama said, seemingly out of nowhere.

"As in, don't forget to vote?"

"Not only that, but what it stands for." He slyly added "You must be wondering who I am."

"Absolutely not" I said, but he introduced himself anyway-

"By the voracious nature of our virulent and violent government, a very volatile situation has created verily a vengeful vicissitude of verbiage. Vast is the veteran vermins ignorance in voreign policy. But you can call me --- O"

"Did you say voreign policy?" I asked - but he shushed me with his index finger to my lips.

"What is your name, my son?"

"Ollie"

"Do you believe in coincidences Ollie?"

"Oh because of the 'O' thing? Umm, not really. I'm guessing you've probably been interview by a lot of peo-"

"Neither do I, Wolly." Obama said casting a slow sidelong gaze to his left. "But tell me this - are you prepared to die for your country? To live without fear!?"

"The second part sounds alright I suppose."

Obama then stood up, pulling a cape over his a suit and tie. He touched me kind of awkwardly on the shoulder.

"Remember Wolly -"

"Ollie"

"Ollie. Remember remember Ollie - the 4th of November." And with a swish of a Blackberry he was gone.

I looked down at the table we were sitting at to see a knife pinning down a small piece of paper. It was a voter registration form with the letter 'O' dashed across it with a Sharpie. I looked at my watch. Wait a second! That guy still owes me twenty minutes of face-time!

Major League Conclusions

Sunday marked the end of another storied MLB season. It's wrapped up now; the players head to Florida, Arizona and the Dominican to get in a good tan and gain 20-30 lbs for spring training (Prince Fielder is an exception, with the addition of 30 lbs. causing his stomach to cover the entire strike zone). The grounds crew at the stadiums are looking for seasonal jobs in landscaping or snow-removal. Yep, it's in the books. Finito.

Well - except for the World Series. They still haven't played that yet, I guess. Whatever. OK, so two teams are still playing, but whatever. Its over for all of the cool teams. Angels? Out. Mets? Out. Red Sox? (arggg) Out. A's? Out. I mean, the season's done! Twins? Out.
Oh who am I kidding, the Twins aren't cool.

The Twins are respectfully proficient, but the coolness factor is seriously lacking. I'm pretty sure the players parking lot is full of Silverados with tackle boxes in the back (Joe Mauer), and crappy cars with college bumper stickers on them from rookies who still haven't signed a contract (don't worry, when contract time comes, you'll get shipped off somewhere else!). The Twins are like that guy who shows up to the swanky party, and keeps asking the catering staff if the hors devours are free, and then getting really excited cause it totally saves them from buying dinner that night. I have to like the Twins though, not only because I lived in the great state of Minnesota for six years, but also because that guy I just described at a party is, in fact, me. Whaddup tangent!

OK, OK, the season isn't REALLY finished. so if you really NEED to watch baseball, you can tune into the World Series where the Phillies are playing the 2012 Red Sox/Yankees/Mets starting lineup. Hope you enjoy.

If we learned anything about this season, it's... it's... it's - don't leave your last, clenching, air-gasping, chance of survival in the hands Jed Lowrie.

• Oh, and the Angels have no heart.
• The Cubs fold like a house of cards at the prospect of winning something.
• The Yankees aren't as good when they don't throw money around willy-nilly. That's right, I said 'willy-nilly'.
• I really feel bad for Baltimore fans.
  
• The Giants are suffering from the curse of the Balco.
• The Royals will always be that little team that can't.
• The NL West has a secret $10,000,000 side-bet of who can have the worst record.
• Finishing last for 10 straight seasons to compile a starting lineup solely comprised of #1 draft picks suddenly looks like a good idea.
  

'We're Just Plain Better' Says Europe

London (Reuters) - In an international survey conducted during the 2008 United States Presidential Election cycle, many European denizens found themselves not only siding with the Democratic Obama-Biden ticket, but scoffing in general at the people, government, education, and pretty much everything else in the States. Conducted in not only mainland Europe, but also Scandinavia, Russia, and the United Kingdom, the independent polling organization found what some are calling "startling results".

Of all the countries polled, scoffing was the highest is France and England, with levels tapering off in Lichtenstein and Switzerland. Many in England used the free-form poll as a way to express their feelings not only towards he election candidates, but also towards the country itself.

"I hate to be rude, I really do, but Americans are just not well educated" states Liverpool native Donald Hughes, a senior-level VP at a local Microsoft engineering branch. "Most people in America couldn't even tell you who won last year's Premier League Championship." Hughes, with a doctorate in computer science from the University of London, has repeatedly applied for a California-based upper-level Microsoft position to no avail. "I try as hard as I can to simplify my resume for them, but maybe I'm not dumb-ing it down enough." Similar sentiments were voiced in France.

"All they do is stereotype us," says Pierre LeJaques, a baker and wine connoisseur, taking a slow and passionate pull from his cigarette. "It is not le-fair," Pierre then went on to fill out half of the survey and then walked away in apathy to put in hit comedy DVD Dodgeball starring Ben Stiller.

The Nordic countries seemed to focus more of their attention on the political questions. Jens Larson of Tromso, Norway seemed to be unimpressed by Sarah Palin's qualifications.

"Alaska's kind of cold, I guess. But I don't think she can use that for bragging rights." Larson noted, through his multi-level anorak while wearing a headlamp. "To think that she would be one heartbeat away from the presidency of the most powerful, and cocky country in the world is frightening. What we need to do is to get the Americans on the right track, and get them educated, and then maybe us Europeans might be able to stand the sight of them," concluded Larson, before shooing out the reporter and taking his family to lunch at McDonalds.

It seems that the anti-American sentiment still runs strong in the blurry, inconsequential 'rest of the world', and with a new leader eminent on November 4th, there is a lingering doubt as to whether those fat, uneducated, loud, obnoxious and egocentric prudes can even be saved at this point.

Oy'd Loyk to sweep yo chimn-eye!!

I used to be a huge David Letterman fan. I really did. And now, I just feel like if I met him, he would be a huge dick. Apologies for the imagery. Maybe he is just too grumpy, or maybe it's the way he always casually dismisses his guest's responses, or maybe it's the way that he is clearly always waiting to get to the next question. Each interview I watch on the Tonight show seems rushed, the banter is limited to a strict format, and even when Letterman laughs, the smile never lingers.

Maybe I've just seen him on bad nights, or maybe I'm just a bigoted Conan fan. My style of humor is exactly whatever Conan seems to do. A clever, self-depreciatingly endearing personality that, when jokes fail, pulls out a Cockney accent and does a chimney-sweep impression. Never fails.

As long as I'm listing off talk show hosts I don't like, I should probably mention:

• Carson Daly (fabricated out of thin-air by the marketing department at MTV)
• Doctor Phil (thinks he could take a shit on the couch, and that shit would be a better parent than you)
• Tyra Banks (actually dumber than Doctor Phil's piece of shit)
• Howard Stern (not only embodying, but encouraging everything that is wrong with this country. *NOTE: he does get points for sheer honesty)
• Anything that Craig Kilbourn or Bob Sagat has ever, and will ever do. I can't begin to explain how much I don't like these two people.
• Jim Rome (If that's the way he talks all the time, I think he must get punched in the face a lot. *NOTE: extra points for vigorous Just-For-Men beard application)
  

So-So hosts:

• Craig Ferguson (funny accent, decent delivery, but there's...something...not quit right about him)
• That's it I guess

Good Hosts:

• Jay Leno (The one-liners are so old-school they come across as endearing and nostalgiac, but can still get some laughs)
• Letterman (I said I didn't like him, but the program still has great guests, and Paul Shaffer entertainingly reminds me of albino mole playing the keyboard)
• Jimmy Kimmel (I mean Jimmy's funny, but he's almost too laid back.)

Great Hosts

• Conan O'Brien (You guessed it.)
• Oprah (I'm afraid if I DIDN'T put her on here, I might be assasinated by the local Oprah Book Club Chapter President... she is way too powerful - I mean GREAT!)
  

Troughs and Peaks

Highs and Lows of my craigslist experience so far:

Low: Couldn't find an apartment that wasn't either $1,500 for a room, or in the dreaded 'valley'.

High: Found a motorcycle!

Low: Motorcycle was too far away to risk the trip.

High: Found another motorcycle - and bought it! Who cares, i just need a way to get around.

Low: Realized that the fact that the motorcycle not starting when I looked at it might have been a red flag.

Low: Trying to fix my new motorcycle.

High: Found an apartment!

High: Moved to beach town Santa Monica, yay!

Low: The rent is how much? Oh well, my complete reckless abandon of logic and all-things-responsible has taken me this far! Lets try my luck!

Low: Nobody replies to these damn job postings... do I have a typo in my resume?

Low: Resending updated resume to businesses.

High: Got a metal-frame, glass topped Ikea desk for $50 and then talked him down to $10!

Low: Got an Ikea bed frame for $40, but she talked me up to $80.

Low: Got a missed connection from leatherloverman69 three times in one day. the missed connection was in front of my apartment.

Low: Can't find taser in the immediate area for a good price.

Don't Vote

If you haven't seen the original - here it is.

Here is our response:

Dear Penthouse,

Imagine living on a small island. Easy beach life, the quiet tranquility of the open sea. Blue, sunny skies every day. World class scuba diving, marlin fishing, and snorkeling. But there are no women.

That’s more or less the life that my friend Nate lives – in a bungalow 300 feet from the beach on Catalina Island. And for someone who is looking for a girlfriend, those two opposing factors seem to be constantly at odds with each other. It’s not like the mainland where you can just go out to a bar or a show and meet other people in your area who like to do the same things. Anybody you meet is usually from somewhere else, and is on vacation.

So imagine what was running through Nate’s mind when he finds out the girl he is dancing with, on the island’s biggest holiday (Buccaneer Days), is a Playboy model. For those of you who know Nate, you know exactly what was running through his mind. For those of you who don’t – it’s the exact same thing running though your mind right now.

So I wandered across the outdoor dance floor, weaving through Jack Sparrows, Captain Hooks, and every sort of pirate conceivable, finding Nate with this nice young lady. He tells me a little bit of her back-story from what he could hear over the music while I shake my head solemnly in utter respect. I have much to learn from this one.After I was introduced, Nate points behind him and tells us that he has to go to the bathroom.

Little did he know, but this bathroom trip will be burned onto the fleshy tablet of his heart. Because when he got back, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed… she was gone. “I’ll be right back” she said. But then, isn’t that what they always say?

Breaking the news to Nate was like telling a child that Santa isn’t real. Or even worse – that Santa is real, but he just died from a long battle with stomach cancer, and the elves decided to sell the North Pole to Donald Trump, who is building a 10,000-acre Trump Ice complex. Either way, the message was brutally cutting, and the messenger was hoping not to get punched.

“What do you mean ‘left’” Nate said, suddenly as sober as a Monday morning.

“That’s all she said” I said, cringing, half expecting his drink to end up in my face. “I’m just saying, if I were you, I’d do a quick couple laps around this place and look for her”. Which was, in fact, what he did.

I just stood there, waiting like an outpost buoy in the middle of the dance-floor, smirking. Sure, if you don’t put yourself out there you’ll never meet the right person, but you also won’t develop long-lasting sleep apnea over the playmate that got away.

Michelle Manhart

Introduction to the Fellowship

I just added a buddy, Sean Noonan to the blogroll to the right ->

After adding it, I decided to introduce each of you to these bloggers, cause they are all great in their own right, and I read each one. They are sorted in order of the most recent post from top to bottom.

I'll try to list these in the order that I added them to my own blog:

1) Tales From The Golden Zeppelin - notabovethat.blogspot.com

For some reason, Feedburner won't let me directly put his blog on my blogroll, so while it was my first link, it isn't there right now - hopefully back up soon. The blog is by Ryan Nash of MLPS who writes funny shit about whatever pops into his twisted mind. He also posts samples of his sci-fi writing, which is always entertaining to read.

2) That Familiar Burn - Jake Boyce's site for cyclists and Duluth enthusiasts alike. A fellow skier that posts some cool pictures and crazy workouts that I no longer have the ability to do. Read this if you want to motivate yourself to get off your fat ass.

3) A Writer's Life - Written by Hollywood writer Lee Goldberg. At first I thought it was a great recourse for an aspiring writer. Now I just think he comes across as kind of an asshole. SELLOUT! Yet, there he is, still on the blogroll...

4) By Ken Levine - Another retired sitcom writer (MASH, Frasier, etc...) who blogs daily about life, Hollywood, and his job as a Dodgers Radio Reporter. This is usually a good read... my favorite one is here. GPS

5) T A Y L O R - Taylor Jenkins and her ever-entertaining personality comes through vividly in her blog, with snippets of jokes, and... random shit.

6) Kodaika Neil - Neil Hutton, Of Olaf fame tries to defeat the Indian people by infiltrating their education system and planting pro-American propaganda. Wait, no, that's Mike D. Neil is a nice guy.

7) Mike D. In Japan - The most laugh-out loud blog I read, or have ever read. Please read it if you have time. He is teaching in Japan, and...and... cannot be described as anything but Mike D.

8) Out Of Context - Colin Rodger's blog about things he likes, doesn't like, or finds feminine about himself. He declared blog war, and already has more hits on his site than I do. DAMN!

9) Andy Newell - One of my favorite athletes in the US. The best US skier, a cool dude, and he puts some pretty cool movies on his blog from time to time.

10) Andy's Web Page On The Internet! - Sounds exciting. Andy works for Disney, so he needs make things sound fun and exciting!

11) The Noo-Noo Blog - Sean Noonan, biker and Carleton student is down unda' doing some cycling and possibly other stuff... He likes to comment on how many typos I have in my blog.

That's it for now, but I'm sure I'll add more-

Dynasty Intro