Embittered Epstein trades Ramirez to 'Bodgers'

Boston, MA - In the final chapter of a long and turbulent punch-for-punch relationship with Manny Ramirez, the Boston Red Sox seem to have delivered the last hit. At 3:55 EST on the last day of July, only five minutes before the trade deadline, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein, the young executive who has made his name through last-minute blockbuster deals, orally finalized a three way deal with the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Bodgers.

"I was about to call up [Colleti] in LA" says Epstein at a press release. "but then I realized I finally have Manny where I wanted him. I just suddenly remembered that series last week when he wouldn't play and I started to get sooooo mad." The Red Sox GM, usually known for his cool demeanor, elaborated on his decision.

"How do you feel now Manny?" laughed Epstein wildly, "you never should have waived your 10-5 rights!"

There is still speculation on who owns Ramirez's contract, but several entities have stepped forward. A grocery chain in Oklahoma, Bodger's Grocers, claims that Manny would be a great asset to their staff, as long as the Red Sox fronted the majority of this remaining contract.

"I'll pay whatever it takes" says Epstein, "this is Manny being a bag boy." Jested the smirking 35-year old GM "I only had, like, five minutes left until the deadline, so I said the first thing that came to my head, luckily [Scott Boras] thought I said 'Dodgers.'"

Ramirez was unavailable for comment, but his agent, Scott Boras was vocal about the recent trade.

"I'll get you next time Epstein, next time!" after which, he slammed his fist onto his desk and escaped his lair via his Boras-submarine.

If picked up by Bodger's Grocers, Ramirez would be one of the highest paid grocers in the industry, second only to Ricky Henderson who was traded to Texas-based Piggly Wiggly in 2001.