Where's The Spitoon in Here?

My recent forays into the bowels of mortgage refinance have unearthed some surprising information. Information that might surprise, shock and titillate you. Information, that in the wrong hands, could prove dangerous, or even deadly. Accounts of events so unbelievable and epic that they make Homer sound like a gossip columnist. Tales of heroes that make Jack Bauer look like Pee Wee Herman.

When someone signs up to do temp work for Wells Fargo, there are certain norms that pop into your mind. With a company that large, with a full-scale PR campaign running through the national UHF airwaves (or through the coaxial cable networks), a certain shade of expectation is cast before actually starting the position.

I am saying this only because I could not have been grosser in my miscalculations. Wells Fargo is not at all what they portray themselves to be on television. Never in my life have I seen such a corporate cover-up.

My first suspicions rose their curious eyes during our initial job training. I needed to go through hours of compliance and bank secrecy information, which is all fine and dandy, but I would rather just get straight to work. Where are the stables?

Also, where are the carriages? And most importantly, why was I the only person wearing proper work attire? Nobody else had on tough high-heel cowboy boots, nor did I see ONE other pair of chaps. How did these poor suckers expect to stay warm and blister-free as we rode across North Dakota? Don't ask me. One woman had a skirt on.

So guess what? And you are NOT going to believe this. Wells Fargo - THE Wells Fargo - is nothing more than a Full Financial Services Company. Not an armored carriage service that runs across the northern Americas. Wow - you wouldn't believe how stupid the instructor looked when I called him out on that one! He couldn't even tell me the last time he knew they had a carriage service. I assume the phone call he made right after our discussion was to ask his superior that same question.

So the next time you watch your muted commercials and see a horse-drawn carriage canter across the high plains, just nod your head in truth, and find comfort that you heard it here first. Wells Fargo is a bank.

And my job is going to be a lot less exciting than I had hoped for.