MyList

In my search for a life out west, it's important to take a deep breath from time to time, and realize that I cannot control everything. There are forces out there beyond my control that I must yield to, and bid for passage through, in order to truly get settled out there. You may know of what higher power I am speaking of (Hint: It's omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent and Omni-theater).

You guessed it: Craigslist.com. Quite possibly the website with the most life-altering power. It tells you where you can live, who you can live with, where you will work, and if you missed any opportunities to meet that gay guy who was ogling you at the gas station. Being one who has moved my fair share of times, I have ridden the bucks and kicks of the website, and come out on top. So I have compiled a simple list for everyone else.

How to successfully use craigslist:

1) Sacrifice a small animal (hamster/gerbil/jack russell terrier) and use their blood as war paint while doing a shaman dance around your hard drive.

2) Pray in the direction of San Fransisco each morning, afternoon and evening.

3)Never look craigslist directly into the URL. It might attack you.

4) When looking for an apartment:

• Be aware of people looking for renters who are 'cute'. They probably have a few two-way mirrors installed in the house.
• Be aware of landlords that post naked pictures of themselves and their wife, looking for someone to share in their lovely experience. It's not as lovely as you think. Trust me.
  
• Access to highways = under a highway. Access to shopping = in a shopping mall. Access to the beach = underwater.

5) When looking for a job, just keep you head down and plug away. Send out as many resumes as you can, and be prepared not to have any replies. If someone does reply, consider it a scam, and report it to the craigslist authorities.

6) Order craigslistPro! for $39.99.

7) Don't try to find out who Craig actually is. It's a long and dangerous road, that will ultimately get you assassinated.

8) The "2-5k-2" rule for used cars. Add 2 years to its age, 5 thousand miles to its odometer, and 2 mice that have nested in the rear seat cushions/engine compartment.

9) Don't forget to pray.

10) Always close your browser when you are done with craigslist. If left open for more than an hour, it will start posting random items in your room for sale.

If you follow all of these rules, you yourself could be a great craigslist browser one day. Good luck and may the Force be with you.