The Purchase, Part I

Have you ever bought something despite every single cell of your brain screaming at you saying this is a mistake! Of course you have. I can just picture them right now, like little tiny Pac Men, hollering don't do it (I'm still talking about the brain cells here)! And you know why? Because you wanted it.

I just wanted my way out of $100 (pre-tax) last week. And being someone who is usually very good at buying items on sale, I must say, I stepped outside my circle for this one. I paid $100 for something I could get for...$10. It's a. Uhh.. It's an.... an.... alarm clock/radio.

Let me explain!
When I was roaming the electronics isles at Target, because there is nothing else to do in my town at 8:00PM, I noticed a new Boston Acoustics on the white grated shelf. Recently I have been stricken with a rare and terminal case of audiophilia, and to me, testing out speakers at Target, Best Buy and other locations is like wandering through a pharmacy, only I get to test the drugs before I buy them.

As I reached out to touch the volume knob on the sleek looking sound machine, something unbelievable happened. Just as my finger touched the radio, a huge woman came careening around the corner, corralling her three kids behind her, pushing a cart brimming with groceries and home supplies, and BAAMM! She crashed right into me.

My body was thrown forward as if I had been struck by a vindictive school bus driver, and I crashed unabatedly into the shelving. I heard steel crunch and break in my wake as I destroyed my way though layers of metal and concrete. I stopped when I hit the ground, accompanied by the powder of dry wall and misplaced chips and chunks of the wall. The cloud was thick at first, and I struggled to see as I sat up. But, when the dry wall veil sifted to the floor, I realized I was not in Kansas anymore. And by Kansas, I mean Target.

I stood up slowly, a little tender from the fall, and absently fanned at a mosquito that was buzzing around my ear. I was standing on a narrow path. In the middle of a jungle.

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Ollie, you are crazy. But let me tell you something, the same thing was running through my head. But the broad fan blade leaves brushing past my face, the sun poking through the canopy, scattering light across the fern-covered floor, and the wet, thick air, all led me to believe that this was very real.

I pushed the leaves and vines aside as I cautiously made my way down the path towards a clearing up ahead. I needed to get a look around, gather my bearings. Maybe I was in some sort of promotional isle in the back of the store... selling tiki torches? I didn't see any tiki torches though. I did, however, see a centipede maneuver its way up the tree right by my head. It was the largest insect I had ever seen, each leg moving with eerie speed and silence, as it creeped and snaked its way to the top, no doubt with intention to swallow some birds nest in one gulp. I shuddered and forged on ahead to the clearing.

As I walked out into the sun, a cooler breeze came across my face, and I wiped a musty patina of sweat off my forehead with my sleeve. I was standing on a grassy knoll, a site that mush have been cultivated for farmland in the past, but now was unkempt, and filled with tall, soft grass and scattered with young trees only waist high. The great forest that I emerged from surrounded me on all sides, dipping from my vantage point into a great valley, rolling and expansive. On all sides, save one, the trees merged into mountains, only crawling halfway up to be taken over by barren rock and the craggy edges that made the dramatic outline of the range itself. The chain only broke on the south side to give way to a slim view of the clear blue ocean.

I lone wisp of smoke rose from the trees, about halfway between myself and the mountains. If I was going to get any answers, I knew that I would need to head in the direction of that smoke, and hope that whoever was making it was friendly. Wallet? Check. Car Keys? Check. Cell phone? No signal, but check.

It looked like a days walk. I popped my collar to protect my neck from the bugs and headed down the slope towards the woods. The warm, moist air swallowed me up, but was silent as I trod through, as if the woods themselves were watching me...

To be continued tomorrow...