Top Picks

Consumer Reports top picks for autos have finally been released. There were some big upsets this year with Hyundai taking two of the top spots, a first for the Korean auto maker. Chevrolet also broke into the ranks and was the first American vehicle to do so in five years.

The problem with these reports, however, is that they do not accurately represent the of the people, the zeitgeist has been ignored too many times. After intensive and exhaustive testing in the Northfield, MN area, I have come up with the top regional picks:

Top Green Car:
1998 Chevy Cavalier. This vehicle boasts a four cylinder engine that usually blows up at about 40,000 miles, saving the environment from many extra years of pollution. The semi-functional air-conditioning also does its part in the fight against global warming. Many Cavaliers are then recycled as lawn ornaments, making them the most versatile green car on the market.

Top Small Sedan:
1992 Honda Civic. You may be noticing that these cars are not actually from 'this year', but then again, neither are the cars you see on the street. This little beauty of a go-cart will get you from point A to point B for years to come, bumping your way down the street on the decrepit shock and strut system. A charming feature allows rust to instantly appear above the wheel well, and quickly spread to the door jams. (NOTE: this car also features a replaceable 'different color' hood that can be found at any junk or scrap yard!)

Family Sedan:
1999 Ford F150. Nothing says family hunting trip like five human beings piled in a vehicle built for three! What's the extra bench seat in the back for? My beer goddamnit! Now shut up and stop bothering your mother! Haha, oh the memories! The gun-rack equipped truck can carry as many beers as you can drink and as many does as you have tags for, so happy shooting. This rugged do-it-all is our perennial favorite only because our favorite NASCAR driver is a Ford man, so we need to be to.

Upscale Sedan:
2006 Ford Mustang. Lexus and Mercedes were snubbed this year inasmuch as they were not built in the U-S-of-A. This prowler of the streets comes equipped with a powerful engine, sleek body design, and a douchebag behind the wheel. Keep an eye out for this one by the side of the road, because it also was touted as 'most pulled over for drug possession'!

Fun to Drive:
Mazda MX-5 Miata. Seriously, I think Consumer Reports got it right on this one. The handling and acceleration were sublime, and the sound system was loud enough to drown out the people yelling 'homo!' on the side of the street.

Small SUV:
2005 Ford Escape. The auto best built to shuttle those aging trophy wives around, to do their nails or to give Fufu a pedicure, or whatever else the hell they do to keep themselves occupied. Large truck room is a great hiding place for your younger man when the husband gets suspicious.

Pickup Truck:
(See family sedan)

Congratulations to this years crop who made the list! Honorable mentions go to the Pontiac Grand Am for 'Most Common Girl Car' and to Toyota Prius with a Ralph Nader bumper sticker as 'Most Hated in A Small Farm Town.'