Oy'd Loyk to sweep yo chimn-eye!!

I used to be a huge David Letterman fan. I really did. And now, I just feel like if I met him, he would be a huge dick. Apologies for the imagery. Maybe he is just too grumpy, or maybe it's the way he always casually dismisses his guest's responses, or maybe it's the way that he is clearly always waiting to get to the next question. Each interview I watch on the Tonight show seems rushed, the banter is limited to a strict format, and even when Letterman laughs, the smile never lingers.

Maybe I've just seen him on bad nights, or maybe I'm just a bigoted Conan fan. My style of humor is exactly whatever Conan seems to do. A clever, self-depreciatingly endearing personality that, when jokes fail, pulls out a Cockney accent and does a chimney-sweep impression. Never fails.

As long as I'm listing off talk show hosts I don't like, I should probably mention:

• Carson Daly (fabricated out of thin-air by the marketing department at MTV)
• Doctor Phil (thinks he could take a shit on the couch, and that shit would be a better parent than you)
• Tyra Banks (actually dumber than Doctor Phil's piece of shit)
• Howard Stern (not only embodying, but encouraging everything that is wrong with this country. *NOTE: he does get points for sheer honesty)
• Anything that Craig Kilbourn or Bob Sagat has ever, and will ever do. I can't begin to explain how much I don't like these two people.
• Jim Rome (If that's the way he talks all the time, I think he must get punched in the face a lot. *NOTE: extra points for vigorous Just-For-Men beard application)
  

So-So hosts:

• Craig Ferguson (funny accent, decent delivery, but there's...something...not quit right about him)
• That's it I guess

Good Hosts:

• Jay Leno (The one-liners are so old-school they come across as endearing and nostalgiac, but can still get some laughs)
• Letterman (I said I didn't like him, but the program still has great guests, and Paul Shaffer entertainingly reminds me of albino mole playing the keyboard)
• Jimmy Kimmel (I mean Jimmy's funny, but he's almost too laid back.)

Great Hosts

• Conan O'Brien (You guessed it.)
• Oprah (I'm afraid if I DIDN'T put her on here, I might be assasinated by the local Oprah Book Club Chapter President... she is way too powerful - I mean GREAT!)